It's 12:44am and I have a lot on my mind. I feel like I haven't been able to give my 100% since the beginning of the year. I'm not entirely sure why but I guess it was because it was fast approaching one of my goals in the firm which was to get promoted to Senior Associate and subsequently tendering afterwards. The plan in my head was solid - I start applying in June, just slightly 2 weeks before the official promotion announcement, I get a call from HR after a week or so, an official interview by the managers after 2 days, and in July I was good to go.
Plans always deviate, don't they? In June I find myself still in the midst of peak; whoever said that June was the start of off peak is a liar. However I also found myself avoiding to update my resume; I think a part of me still wanted to stay. I believe it was the comfort zone calling - I have good bosses, my portfolio was okay (I am taking over a job meant for an Assistant Manager), I am familiar with everything that goes around here and I'm quite used to the life I have here.
I recall having a long thought about leaving the firm last year, when everyone else was still around. I genuinely felt that the people you surround yourself with impact you the most. So I guess one of the reasons why I chose to stay is because of the people, but now that almost everyone has left, I guess it's time to go too. It's not a good choice to depend on this to decide on my career path, but this is only one of the reasons (which kind of also impacts the bigger decisions I guess) why I decided to leave.
I am not going to lie - I am the type of person who clings on to the relationships I have with people. I don't have the guts to just decide that I'm leaving for good. I think a lot about the hows and the whys and the what ifs. I think a lot about how the change is going to impact my future. I think and plan a lot in my head.
The first trigger point which drove me to start working on my resume happened during Department Dinner. Our team was just taking pictures and suddenly it got all emotional. It turns out that one of my managers tendered recently.
She was the one who took me under her wing when I first joined. I could vividly recall our first ever conversation. She firmly asked me if I was serious about learning so that she could coach me throughout my career in audit. She also asked me how long I was planning to join - at that time I gave myself a year so familiarise with audit so that I could apply to Singapore the next year (look how well that went), but I lied and told her 2-3 years. She was already preparing the succession plan for that engagement; and I was supposed to be leading the job this year, if everything went as planned. Then again, plans always deviate. Look at how much has happened throughout this 2 years.
She first got to know that I had plans to go to Singapore in around February/March. I felt like I disappointed her in a way because she expected so much from me, but I don't blame her given that she practically coached me since I was an associate, and she always said I have good seniors to learn from. I could have done better for the engagement. I can't pinpoint what went wrong but I can say it was my own ignorance and oblivion that caused the downfall of her expectations of me. She wasn't really angry at me and is still nice to me - which I truly appreciate - even though I had let her down.
From there, she asked me if I was leaving (based on the fact that I wasn't really doing up to her expectations), and I honestly told her yes. This was so she could have the expectation that I'm not going to stay for long. But she didn't stop me. I always thought that she would've persuaded me to stay; I even thought of how to rebut her persuasions, but she didn't. So then I thought she might have already stopped having expectations on me, but I guess it was because, she was planning to leave too.
I couldn't believe at first when I was told that she had tendered. She was someone who was very driven and knew exactly what she wanted in life. She was always gungho about her work and was very determined in achieving her goals. At that moment, I looked back at how far we've come, and even though there were times I hated her guts, she was the one who coached me from beginning until now. She never really gave up on me. Then I cried. Many a time we only learn to appreciate the moments when you know it's never going to happen again. We are so fucking caught up in life that we take everything for granted. Then it hit me that another reason why I decided to stay was because of her. I wanted to honour the promise of being under her wing for at least 3 years. And after being told that she was leaving too, the urge to leave became stronger. She encouraged me to apply to the firm which was more "relaxed", because "Why should we suffer so much? We're only in it for the money afterall." Take note that this is coming from a goal-oriented and career-driven person who is constantly invested in what she does all the time. I guess the strongest people get tired too.
Another reason was because of the shifts in our department. I can only say that our department will be undergoing a major change this year and I do not want to be a part of this change. It will only get tougher from here, what with the majority of AMs tendering, leaving only less than 15 AMs available to lead jobs. I know this is happening everywhere in audit departments, but somehow I feel that it's getting more toxic and I really just need a change in environment? That's the thing - a change in environment doesn't necessarily mean it will end well, which is why I decided to stay in the first place. What if I couldn't adapt to the culture in Singapore? What if it's even worse in Singapore than here? Here I have bosses I'm comfortable with, jobs I'm recurring in, why should I leave? So there's this constant deliberation and debate going in my head for the past few months.
Looking at all the red lights paving the way to provide me with support as to why I should leave, I think it's time. But time is not on my side, my 2 applications have been hanging for a month now. I know I should give it some time, but I'm really in need of confirmations right now. I need the assurance that I have the necessary skills to at least earn an interview. I will start following up from tomorrow, but I am also afraid of the feedback - What if they straight up reject my application without giving me a chance for the interview? See, these are the kind of discussions that are juggled in my head all the time, and I feel like they are stopping me from making straight decisions. I will never know if I never take the right step.
xx
Another thing that's been on my mind is the lack of passion in tennis. Remember how I used tennis as a defense mechanism when I was going through a low point in life? I can't seem to reignite that same passion again. It's actually quite sad. Tennis used to be my go-to when I'm sad, having a hard time in life or when I'm stressed. It took my mind off of things for a while. I'm not sure if I can blame it on work because many people are working and also doing sports at the same time, yet they can stay passionate all this while. What went wrong?
I think I also forgot how much I loved writing too.
What happened to me?
Plans always deviate, don't they? In June I find myself still in the midst of peak; whoever said that June was the start of off peak is a liar. However I also found myself avoiding to update my resume; I think a part of me still wanted to stay. I believe it was the comfort zone calling - I have good bosses, my portfolio was okay (I am taking over a job meant for an Assistant Manager), I am familiar with everything that goes around here and I'm quite used to the life I have here.
I recall having a long thought about leaving the firm last year, when everyone else was still around. I genuinely felt that the people you surround yourself with impact you the most. So I guess one of the reasons why I chose to stay is because of the people, but now that almost everyone has left, I guess it's time to go too. It's not a good choice to depend on this to decide on my career path, but this is only one of the reasons (which kind of also impacts the bigger decisions I guess) why I decided to leave.
I am not going to lie - I am the type of person who clings on to the relationships I have with people. I don't have the guts to just decide that I'm leaving for good. I think a lot about the hows and the whys and the what ifs. I think a lot about how the change is going to impact my future. I think and plan a lot in my head.
The first trigger point which drove me to start working on my resume happened during Department Dinner. Our team was just taking pictures and suddenly it got all emotional. It turns out that one of my managers tendered recently.
She was the one who took me under her wing when I first joined. I could vividly recall our first ever conversation. She firmly asked me if I was serious about learning so that she could coach me throughout my career in audit. She also asked me how long I was planning to join - at that time I gave myself a year so familiarise with audit so that I could apply to Singapore the next year (look how well that went), but I lied and told her 2-3 years. She was already preparing the succession plan for that engagement; and I was supposed to be leading the job this year, if everything went as planned. Then again, plans always deviate. Look at how much has happened throughout this 2 years.
She first got to know that I had plans to go to Singapore in around February/March. I felt like I disappointed her in a way because she expected so much from me, but I don't blame her given that she practically coached me since I was an associate, and she always said I have good seniors to learn from. I could have done better for the engagement. I can't pinpoint what went wrong but I can say it was my own ignorance and oblivion that caused the downfall of her expectations of me. She wasn't really angry at me and is still nice to me - which I truly appreciate - even though I had let her down.
From there, she asked me if I was leaving (based on the fact that I wasn't really doing up to her expectations), and I honestly told her yes. This was so she could have the expectation that I'm not going to stay for long. But she didn't stop me. I always thought that she would've persuaded me to stay; I even thought of how to rebut her persuasions, but she didn't. So then I thought she might have already stopped having expectations on me, but I guess it was because, she was planning to leave too.
I couldn't believe at first when I was told that she had tendered. She was someone who was very driven and knew exactly what she wanted in life. She was always gungho about her work and was very determined in achieving her goals. At that moment, I looked back at how far we've come, and even though there were times I hated her guts, she was the one who coached me from beginning until now. She never really gave up on me. Then I cried. Many a time we only learn to appreciate the moments when you know it's never going to happen again. We are so fucking caught up in life that we take everything for granted. Then it hit me that another reason why I decided to stay was because of her. I wanted to honour the promise of being under her wing for at least 3 years. And after being told that she was leaving too, the urge to leave became stronger. She encouraged me to apply to the firm which was more "relaxed", because "Why should we suffer so much? We're only in it for the money afterall." Take note that this is coming from a goal-oriented and career-driven person who is constantly invested in what she does all the time. I guess the strongest people get tired too.
Another reason was because of the shifts in our department. I can only say that our department will be undergoing a major change this year and I do not want to be a part of this change. It will only get tougher from here, what with the majority of AMs tendering, leaving only less than 15 AMs available to lead jobs. I know this is happening everywhere in audit departments, but somehow I feel that it's getting more toxic and I really just need a change in environment? That's the thing - a change in environment doesn't necessarily mean it will end well, which is why I decided to stay in the first place. What if I couldn't adapt to the culture in Singapore? What if it's even worse in Singapore than here? Here I have bosses I'm comfortable with, jobs I'm recurring in, why should I leave? So there's this constant deliberation and debate going in my head for the past few months.
Looking at all the red lights paving the way to provide me with support as to why I should leave, I think it's time. But time is not on my side, my 2 applications have been hanging for a month now. I know I should give it some time, but I'm really in need of confirmations right now. I need the assurance that I have the necessary skills to at least earn an interview. I will start following up from tomorrow, but I am also afraid of the feedback - What if they straight up reject my application without giving me a chance for the interview? See, these are the kind of discussions that are juggled in my head all the time, and I feel like they are stopping me from making straight decisions. I will never know if I never take the right step.
xx
Another thing that's been on my mind is the lack of passion in tennis. Remember how I used tennis as a defense mechanism when I was going through a low point in life? I can't seem to reignite that same passion again. It's actually quite sad. Tennis used to be my go-to when I'm sad, having a hard time in life or when I'm stressed. It took my mind off of things for a while. I'm not sure if I can blame it on work because many people are working and also doing sports at the same time, yet they can stay passionate all this while. What went wrong?
I think I also forgot how much I loved writing too.
What happened to me?
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