Chapter 320: I've not been well recently

 Not sure how to begin this post. My heart is beating really fast right now and I need to vent my feelings somewhere.

I haven't been in a good mental state for a while now. I am suffering. I have been trying my best to see the good in everything and it has been exhausting. I guess I'd been dismissing my negative feelings because I feel like I should be grateful and appreciative for everything I have right now - which I am, don't get me wrong. 

I'm having a difficult time relaxing properly recently. Even when I'm just chilling and watching Netflix, a sense of uneasiness just comes creeping on me; and it stays with me. I can't find anything that makes me happy anymore. I just feel so restless and on most days I feel like I've lost my sense of identity. 

All the things that once make me happy have lost their ability to do so. I feel like a lifeless robot each day, just surviving and not living. Achievements aren't able to make me feel anything too. In fact they make me doubt myself even more. Am I good enough? Am I capable to handle the responsibilities they entrusted me to? I understand that growth comes with adversity, but I feel like I've been stretched out to the maximum and if stretched any further I might just snap. Or maybe I already have.

"Just be grateful you still have a job."

"At least you still got your promotion."

"Just stay put. It's hard to find a job in this pandemic."

These are the kind of words that kill people. 

I don't know myself anymore.

People have been asking me why I am not leaving yet. Perhaps it's also my fault for overthinking things. I like to plan ahead, despite the fact that most of my plans so far have gone down the drain. My important plans have yet to materialise. 

I know I shouldn't be dismissing my achievements - after all they are the reason why I have been hustling so hard right? But why do I not feel happy? Why do I feel unaccomplished? There is always a constant feeling that I'm not good enough. No matter how much I try I just can't seem to be operating at my best. I know for a fact that there are people better than me and deserve way more. 

I'm not sure where I stand now.

Yes, I admit I have been provided really rare opportunities that could shape my career and my leadership skills. However, I'm not sure if I'm really up for it. My mental state hasn't been the best since then. It's probably due to the steep learning curve and to be honest I believe I can perform better if they had given me the time to rest. I have been working non-stop this year without any long breaks and I am breaking apart. 

What's next for me? 

I'm actively looking for opportunities and networking on LinkedIn. I've also approached the HRs of certain companies to find out for any availability of the roles I'm looking for. 

Hopefully there will be a rainbow for me in 2020. The above is only a certain portion of my thoughts and currently I can't bring myself to write it all out.